Shina Sawhney

As you know, I tutor this boy named Quinton. We have been working on getting his grades up, hes currently a freshman in high school. He brought to my attention a while ago that he wanted to be drum major. Like band is this boys life, lol, he plays the trumpet. Q told me he was scared to compete for drum major b/c hes a freshman and NO OTHER FRESHAMN IN THE HISTORY OF THAT HIGH SCHOOL HAS BEEN DRUM MAJOR!…he thought they will undermine him, not think hes good enough, not think hes mature enough, etc etc.. I told him hes already undermining himself….I told him to never give someone elses opinion power over his world of thought and action. I also said what other people think and feel in this instance doesn’t matter, if you got the grades, enthusiasm, heart, and passion for this position, do everything you can to do get it. Fuck them!! You know what he did?

He started his own quintet.
Went in 3 days a week at lunch to practice his trumpet.
Brought all his grades up to A’s and B’s.
Composed 4 marching band songs on his own time out of school.
Moved up a chair in band.
Nailed the audition paper.
Became student of the month.
Got outstanding freshman award.
Killed his clinic audition. (he practiced composing the song for 5 months!!)

Im so happy for Q!! It just takes a little support to really change someones life. It means so much to me that i could be the mentor he needed to push him in the right direction. Everyone has a piece of beauty to them that is covered up by hurt. Once yo can dig through the hurt and tap into that beauty, you start to see them become who they were destined to be! 

And guess what? Out of all the juniors and seniors that competed, its down to him and a junior. YES HE IS A FINALIST! I told him for every show he does im going to be his cheerleader lol 

Show someone a little support, maybe just one heartfelt talk can change their entire life before your eyes! Show That Love! Be that support system! 

-Shina


 

ADDRESS:

Shina Sawhney
P.O Box 6696
Columbia, MD 21045

Write until your hands fall off =)

Cant wait to read everything! Dont forget my birthday cards, im anticipating those the most! =)

Love you all, enjoy!

-Shina

When you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you (in a way) vouch for them to represent you. When people start to know you guys are together, even if you arent physically around each other, everything you do represents the relationship. For instance, if hes out dry humping other girls at clubs every saturday, or if shes spazzing out on a cashier at giant over 5 cents, all those little things people see and make assumptions about the ENTIRE relationship. They dont say “oh hes a man whore” they take it to the extent of saying “oh hes a man whore, his girl is stupid as shit for being with him.” And in her case they dont stop at “that bitch is crazy, its only 5 cents” they take it to saying “that bitch is crazy, shes really arguing over 5 cents, i dont know what he sees in her ass” See?! Granted you can say who gives a fuck about what other people think, but to an extent we ALL do. We dont want to look bad, nor have someone close to us make us look bad. Anyways Im digressing. Point i wanted to make is, both of you have different strengths in the relationship. Instead of being jealous/insecure of your significant other for a trait, embrace it. Have the trust in them to go out and represent you well with that strength. Let them take the stage for once. Let them shine. When you take the backseat, you enable yourself to just be able to support and feed positive energy and a worldful of love into the relationship. That support and love and positive energy will motivate them to do better, it will lift them! I promise you! 

One reason we get into relationships is to have someone fill our weak sides. They become ‘our better half’ right? They will become an even better half if you nurture the strengths in them. =)

-Shina

Questions that go unasked, go unanswered.

Things that go unsaid, are never known.

Risks never taken, are opportunities lost.

If you never say, question, or take initiative, you will never know.
Not knowing leaves confusion and grey areas.
As humans any sort of confusion throws a curve ball in our game.
just say it. Just do it.
Even if you dont get the response you want, you build having enough confidence and courage in yourself to even start, and no one and nothing can ever take that away from you.

-Shina

Everytime I prayed for strength to do my papers, you answered.
Everytime I prayed for diligence in my work, you blessed me with it.
Everytime I prayed for concentration in my math course, you made sure every negative sign was where it was suppose to be.
Everytime I prayed to move into a new chapter of my life, you moved me.
Everytime I prayed for understanding of my computer course, you taught me.

Everytime I have ever asked for something I was lacking, or wanted to achieve, you ALWAYS blessed me with it.  I dont think im lucky, I think im a witness of your work. I know you hear me say it every night but …

I appreciate everything you do for me. The people you put in my life, the people you took out. Everything I saw up until this point to make me who i am, I truly thank you for it. Thank you for giving me the intelligence, beauty, grace, love, and care i need to suceed in school and various other areas of my life. I write letters to everyone else, i figured it was time to write you yours =) Even though your probably sick of me talking to you everyday about the same things lol. I love you God. you always listen, and i always hear. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!. 

Love Always,

Sheen beaaannnnn =) 

SO! i didnt know what to tell my fellow zombies about being detached when traumatic situations take place. I thought it was weird to not feel things when certain things happened or when they happen to certain people. I learned today via Susan. Its ok to feel detached from certain things that dont mean much to you. and even if they do mean something to you, some people have developed a coping mechanism where they detach themselves in order to rationally and logically deal with what happened.

After my own thinking i further developed a new theory to live by..

Society is not one size fits all. Maybe the only reason your beating yourself up for something ‘abnormal’ is because you’ve been taught to do it another way and have diverted from that way since learning new ways. As we grow and develop sometimes everything once taught to us is NOT what we want to live by. Society says that b/c that was my brother in the ER room, i was suppose to feel saddened but as a human being who has had different circumstances with my brother, i dont feel that way about him or for him. I thought this was wrong or ‘bad’ but i came to realize it shouldn’t be, for me at least. Im free to feel or not feel for who ever and whatever i please. In my growing as a human being and the things ive seen and dealt with, it makes sense for me to be detached.

Im only partly a zombie. And it hit me. A zombie is a dead person who is alive. Im alive, i feel. but theres only certain things i dont have to feel to and the human part of me makes that decision.

hope my mumbo jumbo helps…somewhat. =)

-Shina

Generally, when people go under traumatic situations, they have some sort of emotion. They can feel a wide variety of things from anger, empathic, sadness, disheartened, disappointed, or depressed.
And what do we do?
We hug them.
We show them our love.
We tell them everything will be ok.
But what do we tell the zombies?
The ones who cant or wont or dont know how to feel those emotions.
Do we still hug them? Love them? tell them everything will be ok?
And if we are the zombies, what do we tell ourselves?

As I visited my brother in the ER room, and witnessed 2nd degree burns all over his face. I felt nothing. The next morning he was released at 4am, fainted in the parkinglot, broke his jaw (which would lead to surgery and his mouth being wired shut for the next 6 weeks), when i heard that, i felt nothing. I didnt cry. I didnt scream. I dont feel sad. Nothing. No one ever explained why i felt nothing…Is this my coping mechanism for stress? Am i a human who has been numbed to feeling anything? What do i tell myself? Have i just not processed it yet? Will it all come pouring out next week? what the fuck is going on?! 

Part of being a human is being able to think and feel at a higher level then the rest of the mammals in our species. I want to be able to embrace that. To a certain level, i do. I think at a higher level, but i cant quite feel at a higher level. And when i cant feel, i just turn into a sarcastic asshole or i just leave. I didnt mean to do that, but it just happened that way. To those who love me, im sorry. I didnt mean to seem like some insensitive person, but there was really nothing for me to say. I wasnt going to fake feeling something, if it isnt there, it isnt there. But how do i relay that message to those close to me w/o seeming like the worlds biggest douche? I have no advice for this one, because i dont even know what to tell myself….

My letter to the zombies, or better yet a letter to myself..
Sometimes the ones who give advice, need advice. but who will be there to supply advice to the advisors? 

-Shina 

As I was reading “The Huey P. Newton Reader”, a very ironic statement jumped at me from the page. It read ”“jail is an odd place to find freedom, but that was the place I first found mine.”

Lets step back and think about that, FREEDOM in JAIL? Of all places, in jail?

I went on to read, and as I did Mr. Newton clarified how he reached this freedom. When in Alameda County Jail located in Oakland, CA, Mr. Newton was accused of being the organizer to a food strike. Since he was a trusty to the jail, and thus had freedom to move freely through jail cell blocks, in the mind of the jail superiors, it was him who organized the riot. In consequence to his accusal, he was placed in the jail’s solitary, or in prison jargon, the “hole.” Prison solitary is an isolated part of the jail, where through extreme but within barley legal bounds, prisoners are tested psychologically. The point of solitary confinement is to have rebel prisoners compromise to the jail’s regulations. They live in a small room, where there is no toilet, bed, or any bare necessities. Prisoners are left with half a gallon of water for the WEEK, and food comes sparingly when the prison guards feel like bringing it to you. This is a key and vital part to the psychological test. For those of you who have read George Orwell’s 1984, in the last chapters of the book, these similar sorts of circumstances were placed upon Winston. When abusers want control over someone, they take away their necessities in order for them to rely on the abuser. When the abuser takes away food and water, and makes you live in extreamly uncomfortable positions, those who are weak give in and start relying on the abuser for survival. Winston was placed in room 101 and tortured. In Winston’s case, he gave in to the abuser, was dulled and learned to love Big Brother and the party. In Mr. Newtons case, he went the 15 days in solitary confinement, did not beg to leave, and somehow managed to suffer through it. Mr. Newton found his freedom by relying on himself and not the abuser. He did not allow anyone to psychologically traumatize him into being indoctrinated. 

This is one of the main reasons I always try to teach people to never let external stimuli dictate their internal compass. Once we learn to love ourselves, and rely on ourself, the world becomes much easier to deal with. No matter who comes our way with what, once we learn to depend soley on ourselves, nothing can stop us. Even in the worst conditions, you must believe you are always your own best friend. Granted most of us wont have to go through solitary confinement to learn this lesson, but for all of us, there will come a day when we are naive to the worlds ills and will be abused. Someone out there whether at work, in politics, at home, wants us to adopt their way of thinking, and believe their opinons are facts that we need to agree to. Look at U.S’s current government. Having a strong internal compass sheilds you from this abuse and control. Have your own back. Think your own thoughts. Do things YOUR way. We are blessed with the ability to choose, we are not robots. We arent programed to jump when they say jump, but we have allowed our internal moral compasses to be. Defrag time. Choose to create that life youve always dreamed of, and leave the abusers with no weak people to abuse… 

With Love,

Shina.
 

As you know my best friend of 7 years is in the navy. I barley ever get to see him =/ But from time to time he sends me emails that brighten up my entire day =))

“which leads to this…wanted to let you know that I had a moment…where I wanted to quit…it’s been hard these past five years…I had to grow up fast under insane conditions…everyone that gave a damn about me is on another coast so it’s been hard we both know…like I said I had a moment…where I actually thought about saying fuck it, go smoke some weed and go ua…quit this shit and do other things…well I didn’t think about pops rants or mommy’s praises…once you hear it so many fuckin’ times it’s like stfu clowns lol…I remember when I got like that before and came to you…didn’t like it at all…on the real, you are the only one who handles that shit exactly how it should be…I thought about that, the last time I came home, the time you cooked for me (OMG I really would love some crab cakes…that shit was sooo good but I can’t eat too much…need to watch my ass man…shit is big as it is)…it got me to think and remember one thing I told myself a long time ago…my parents will love me no matter what…I mean look at the history…you’re not my family blood wise…you don’t have to talk to me…you don’t have to deal with me or my family but you do…I’ll always remember that someone in this world knows me and loves me…”

Youll always have a home in MD Terrence, and always have a home cooked meal here. Love you ! =)

Within the convorsation i held earlier this week with Susan, I have resurfaced in my thought process, many lessons i choosed to recently ignore. I always knew the universe would bring me what i needed and who i needed when i was ready for them to be a part of my life. Latley i chose to leave that process of thought out of my belief system because i was too busy looking for things to go my way. I didnt mean to have it happen this way, but it did.I relearned that in the relationship we hold in the universe, we cant be selfish. We cant expect things to happen at the snap of our mortal fingers. Its give, and not take, but receive. Taking is forceful, we dont want to “take” anything, we want to receive it. You feed good energy into the universe and thus it feeds positive energy back in your life. When asking the universe to bring someone or something to you, you must be patient. Susan taught me the universe wont bring someone into your life until BOTH of you are where you need to be spiritually and in your development as a human being. Maybe im not ready to have that someone yet or vice versa. Our paths didnt cross even though we were only a few feet away from each other for a reason…

In the time two peoples paths havent crossed, they are learning life lessons to be better suited for each other when their paths do cross. This process of waiting until paths cross takes A LOT of patience and is really a test to our faith. I guess the universe tests our faith in it, in order to know we really do believe that it will be brought to us. After all why would the universe bring us things when we dont have any faith in it right? Thats like faithfully preaching a religion in order to reap its benefits, when you dont really even believe in it. I just wanted to pass this thought process/ lesson along. Its up to you if you want to adopt it into your thinking or not, but it works for me. Every time i look back in my life, all the right people showed up at the right time, like i believed they would. Everytime my patience gets low, I look back to these memories to keep my faith strong.

Thanks Susan, I needed that =)

“I shall never believe that God plays dice with the world.”-Albert Einstein

I dont believe there isnt just a bunch of random events that lead you to be where you are, we all have our paths set, each decision we make leads us further from our destination or closer. Our decisions takes us off path, or keeps us on. Every decision counts. Make sure your faith is strong in yourself and in the universe to continue on the right path. =)

-Shina 

Up until today I never really had a role model. I never looked up to any singers, actors, video models, male models, i didnt glorified any one person,  other than my dad, but he was by default. lol Today i came across a woman named Valarie Kaur. Her last name is my middle name lol how cool =) Anyways, her writing is astonishing. Her story telling abilities are to be beyond commended. From one woman to another, she has my utmost respect. A Woman who is using the beauty in her words to bring about change and tell the other side of the story for people of middle eastern decent and culture. Here is the link to her blog site. Thanks Valarie, today changed my view on having a role model.

http://www.valariekaur.com/

So ive written a couple time before about how it felt to be a Middle Eastern Kid growing up in America Post 9/11. Incase you missed those posts.. 

http://yosheenbean.tumblr.com/post/3800531822/did-you-hear-those-children-i-mean-take-the-time

 http://yosheenbean.tumblr.com/post/3653577077/how-dare-how-fucking-dare-you-this-took-me-back

There is this film, that i cried watching. No one every really knew what it was like to be on the other side, hate crime is a hate crime, committing it against a person of ANY race or culture is wrong.

http://www.dwf-film.com/

 

Casualties definition, in reference to war is “ A person killed or injured in a war or accident.” The root word of Casualties, is casual which is defined as “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand;passing.” or” seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening;apathetic; unconcerned”.

Is this what we think of human life being taken? Innocent people are just “casually” dead because we were fighting for oil and claiming to be looking for Osama Bin Laden. We had three ample opportunities to capture him and didnt, which further lead to a DECADE of war, meaning a DECADE’S worth of time was spent killing innocent millions looking for ONE man. This seems to be the pattern of todays U.S society, we have heard “Iraq War” , “Afghanistan War” “War on Terror” so much that we have become numb to it and what it really means. Millions of people in the middle eastern countries who DID NOT support Terrorist had their life taken. This life is all we have, to our knowledge at least. There is nothing saying we will be back in another form. This one chance is all we have to make it, to grow and be the best people we can be, and we take that away from others so “casually”. Is this what is it to be on the super power side? We “casually” take away a 6 year olds life in order to maintain oil control when we clearly have enough to supply ourselves with but just want to be greedy? We “casually” shoot a mother in her face in order to get our “super power” point across to other countries? We “casually” ruin human kind one day at a time in order to get over on each other not realizing years have passed and millions have died? How much money has this war costed us? What could we have used that money for? Is it ok to “casually” throw TRILLIONS of dollars away to a war that most AMERICANS themselves did not even want but more so were hoodwinked into believing was right? Why is the president commander in chief when he does not have adequate military training? 

Most words have a root word just as most stories have a root or a beginning, this one man hunt turned into a region wide destruction. The root of this story of war is sought out to be believed because of Osama, but now that he is dead will U.S retreat from the middle east? Here lies the truth ladies and gentleman, if we retreat, we soley went to fight our “war on terror.” and now that we have completed that mission, we may leave. But if we stay, you all can agree the root reason we were there was not soley Osama bin laden, Osama, then,  was the scapegoat for oil control. He just showed up at the right time to have the American People duped….

the root is the foundation, this war will soon be seen as the root of lies, for thats what it started with and thus will end with, hopefully when it ends, it doesnt take all of us with it…Celebrate if you must, but remember the effects of 9/11, what makes you think retaliation wont be worst?

-Shina 

I was watching this documentary on Ray Allen, for those unfamiliar he is the NBA’s leading 3 point shooter, with a record number passing Reggie Millers, he plays currently for the Boston Celtics. Anyhoo, everyone always asks Ray Allen, what do you do at shootarounds to become such a good 3 point shooter? He says simply, he stays after practice. Did you get that? Not ONLY does he do hours of regular practice, he contributes more HOURS of non mandatory practice in order to knock those 3 point shots down. He said that practicing something until it becomes second nature is the only way you know youll have it. He went on to say that on the court there are so many different variables as to what can happen, your point gaurd might get caught in a pick and unable to shoot, your center could have a nice defensive player on him blocking him from making a jumper or layup, so sometimes you just have to catch and shoot, and when you do, its second nature. 

Pracitce makes perfect, but make it beyond perfect, make it second nature to assure you have that skill for the rest of your life… =)

-Shina

No matter how much you may like or love someone, never put yourself under uncomfortable circumstances for them. You come first, at all times. Now if its something small like going to a movie they want to see and you dont, you could make that sacrifice if you choose. But if it is something big like being in a place where you truly truly feel uncomfortable, just leave. I learned, every time you do something outside of your normal boundaries for someone else, if you dont enjoy it, you give up a piece of yourself. Depending how ‘in-tune’ you are with yourself, you may even feel disappointed for putting up with that sort of bullshit. At the end of the day you dont want to resent the other person or put the blame on them for you having a bad time so its just best if you nip it in the bud. Life is all about choices, those choices help you decide what you will and wont put it up with. If you are in one of these situations, i know how it feels to be like “i did WHAT, just for THAT”. Yeah, i know what you mean. Dont take it as a reason to bash yourself, take it as a learning expierence, now you know better, now you have the neccesary tools to not let it happen again. You over everything, everytime and if they cant agree, fuckem. 

-Shina

Before i start my rant, this had nothing to do with Lupe Fiasco’s actual performance, he rocked. This has to do with the venue being some sort of cheap low down whore house. And Also, all the events taking place with all the dirty ass people there before he went on which just ticked me off.

1. lupe didnt go on until 5 something, cool. Waited around peep this kid name theophilus london, beats was sick, performance was cool.

2. Paid 100 dollars for a vip ticket, what was there? oh nothing. seating out in the rain. Clouds of smoke even though the venue CLEARLY stated there would be a fine for having ANY lighted cigarettes on the property. Serving alchol since noon when the doors opened, so by the time lupe got on stage i was in the crowd dealing with drunk people. how wonderful.

3. while standing in the crowd, these wonderful things happened to me
   
      A. i was being pushed and shoved around by all the dirty ass people who wanted to dance with their fucking book bags on. Are you kidding me? like where the fuck is there room for that?

     B. these group of people in their 25’s were all acting like this was some sort of swingers party. The girls were drunk and clearly high off something, kissing each other, the guys would film it, then the girls would go kiss the guys, and pretty much i was standing right in the middle of a softcore porno. The girl started dancing on the guy right next to me talking about “OMG your big” clearly referring to his dick. are you kidding me? are you fucking kidding me?

    C. this white guy was drunk out of his mind, hickies on his neck, 2 steps away from passing out, while Crystal castles was preforming, he started dancing on me. i wanted to just start screaming. i pushed him off me, like i dont even know how to describe how much i wanted to fight someone right then and there. Personal space means a lot to me, and this man was ALL over me, his friends had to come get him. 

    D. My lungs are not used to smoke. i have never smoked, i dont hang around people or places that smoke. This girl behind me lit a joint. yes. marijuana. i started coughing, got a bad headache, and literally was about to pass out. where was security ? all that howard county police k9 unit shit for what? how did she get that in? are you fucking kidding me? 

    E. to top it ALL OFF, the girl one person away from me decided she didnt want to take the risk of not being able to get back in so she squatted and peed in the crowd. did you read that properly? she urinated in a crowd of people 2 people away from me, meaning i could at some point during lupes preformace step in that shit. She accidently peed on the girl nexts to me leg, the girl next to me told security, and security responded “cant do nothin’ sorry” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CANT DO ANYTHING?! YOUR FUCKING SECUIRTY, GRAB THAT BITCH BY HER HAIR AND THROW HER DIRTY ASS OUT! this is what im talking about when i said that venue is just a cheap low down whore house. 

Forgive me if i wasnt to siced to see Lupe at this point. I had pretty much had it. I stayed for all of his songs except the last two, my head started pounding and i just had to leave. Never again will i be going to a concert that only feautres lupe and is at a facility such as this. There was no standards, no enforcement of rules, no respect to the people there. When i went to speak to the man who was running VIP, he simply stared at me and turned away, then even proceeded to put his hands on me and push me forward when i was entering the VIP crowd. This type of behavior is unacceptable to me. I do not like people touching me, for of this shit i couldve just went to a baltimore club and called it a day. I paid 100 dollars of my hard earned money for this bullshit. I hated today with a passion. Worst concert ever. I know lupe fans arent into this kind of shit, so thats why the georgetown show was cool. Like i said when lupe is a feautre i am not going, i dont care if its 5 mins up the street from my house or not. complete dissapointment. fuck you merriweather, and fuck all you dirty ass scumb bucket scallwag ass bitch that was there, and fuck you security guy for touching me, and fuck you drunk white guy for dancing on me, fuck everyone there. idgaf. stupid bitches, i hate you.

-Shina